the weathergod
FOR Macbeth (writing.com)
Review follows -
I am the weathergod. Which is to say ‘the order in the chaos’ and I am frankly feeling quite energized these days. I can really feel the sun on my face, it is so “what can I say?” energizing. I am wondering what am I to do with all this energy now coursing so wildly through my veins that it almost makes me giddy? Yes I have a human form. Short, fat, bald, and ugly, with a mean disposition and a bad attitude.
Comment: Delete “Which is to say” because you distract the flow of thought. Go straight to your point; you have started right.
Comment: You are already saying things; you are already wondering; you don’t have to state that you are doing these things. Don’t answer your own questions unless it is for emphasis.
Comment: Consider this version:
I am the weathergod - ‘the order in the chaos.’ I am so full of energy. I can feel the sun on my face. I am all energy. I am giddy.
Yes, I have a human form. Short, fat, bald, and ugly, with a mean disposition and a bad attitude.
Comment: Instead of “telling” your reader, show your reader the kind of character the persona has by his actions or words.
There are a number of you who call my name, sometimes in a whisper out of fear that I might hear the words and come looking for the source. Sometimes it is in the form of a curse that I have not listened and in paradox not listening still.
Comment: Write “mention,” not “call,” since your thought in this paragraph runs negative. “Calling one’s name” is positive.
Comment: Listened to …
Comment: Delete “and in paradox.” They disrupt the flow of thought.
I cannot just grant you the weather that you want though I have been known to do things on a whim or even less. But and it’s a big but You must be somewhat specific in your request for weather for you must realize that in dealing with the law of unexpected consequence there is no knowing. Either how big the storm is growing or even where it’s going. Much like the idea that for every action there is an action in reciprocal even good deeds do not go unpunished.
Comment: What kind of god are you introducing? Whimsical?
Comment: If it is “but and only but,” the character must be specific in his instruction or order and not say “somewhat.”
Comment: Let your “god” project a powerful voice and speak like one powerful.
Much like the idea that for every action there is an action in reciprocal even good deeds do not go unpunished.
Comment: What did you want to say? Is it this? - “For every action, there is a reward. No matter how you try to make amends with good deeds, bad deeds do not go unpunished.”
Remember, for the sake of argument, that I am not predicting the weather, I am not the weather channel. The expression of explanation that comes to mind is “let it be so, let it be done.”
Comment: A god-character will not say, “for the sake of argument.” Make your god realistic.
Comment: Notice how the statements gather strength as they simplify -
I do not predict the weather; I am not the weather channel. What comes to mind, I will do. Let it be so, let it be done.
Each of the following details has a full spectrum of possibility but remember for the sake of clarity I am more into the doing than undoing but there are things once done that will have no undoing once a path is followed. As words of warning there is an old adage that relents ‘be careful what you wish for’, which is to say in another way ‘the devil is in the details’.
Comment: Again a god does not have to explain himself all the time. “For the sake of clarity” is more like someone arguing with a co-equal.
Comment: “I am more into the doing than undoing” is again condescending. A god-character would talk directly. Notice the change –
Anything is possible [Let’s allow this statement to incorporate your original thought]. However, what I do, I do. And no one can stop it.
Comment: A god-character does not refer to adages, else how can your character project power?
As words of warning there is an old adage that relents ‘be careful what you wish for’, which is to say in another way ‘the devil is in the details’.
Comment: Go directly, so – Be careful of what you wish for; the devil is in the details.
Advance notice is required for all requests for weather regardless of their merit. If you are in the middle of a blizzard a change in intensity rather than cessation might be looked at more favourably. Otherwise, seven revolutions rather than degrees is usually the lower perceptional limit. The more notice the better the results and their distant echoes, for one is better able to maintain equilibrium and balance opposing forces.
Comment: Why advance notice? I thought your god is powerful.
Type, intensity, location, time, duration.
Does your type of weather require some form of precipitation? The type of precipitation is mostly related to the relative temperature but the sequencing can get complicated and I have been known to bend the rules. Though there are physical laws that one must still obey I can do snow in the
What kind of intensity of weather do you require? A summer’s breeze from here to the horizon or a category 5 in full overwhelming rotation. They named the Horse Latitudes so because in the days of sailing ships when the wind did not blow at all for weeks on end the horses were the first to go, overboard I mean. Do you want it to rain cats and dogs or cars and trucks or should I just spit?
Comment: They named the Horse Latitudes as such….
For a geographic location, realistic parameters are required. It is difficult to alter things just because of political borders, though I have been known to do arbitrary boundaries. Best perhaps to decide a center point with a randomly varying radius and feather to the edges?
The duration of weather is important. Timing is a critical thing and can make all the difference between success and failure of intent. It takes awhile to get to category 5 but even they must end. You don’t want to plug the sink and leave the tap running so a start and finish is required. Though in
Comment: However in
for Ed Dobbins,050805,tilt,the
for DOT, 050819,tilt,The Golden Triangle, torrential rain, 15 degrees, now.
Comment: Are the spacing here technical or intentional?
General comment: Your story may find some problems with the readers because of your “god figure.” It seems like your god is an innocuous god who is not exactly one above mortals. First, he is too condescending for mortals that he had to explain himself now and then.
Your story gets to be appreciated only as it advances – primarily because of the weak god figure. You started with a god that appears a bit unsure of himself in the beginning, keeps on collegial terms with his audience in the middle, and ends up amusing in the end. It is only by the end that he gets readily lovable/acceptable to the reader by his revealed knowledge of weather-making.
As a writer, you have a good grasp of weather technology. Being knowledgeable in some field is an advantage to writers in technical writing. As shown by you, however, this skill may also be employed for creative writing. Keep on honing your skills and you’ll be fine.
It is very rare that technical knowledge is used for creative items – let alone for amusement or entertainment – and the field is still clear. You are doubly blessed. You can take this opportunity to build a profile in it. According to research, children’s and family literature takes the biggest share in print publications today, but it appears true also in cyberspace. Your skill, therefore, would be very useful in this category.
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